| musings |
[Sep. 25th, 2005|12:24 am] |
| [ | feeling |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | listening to... |
| | Muse - Cave | ] |
My first memory is from when I was three. I was walking along the street next to a big fence with my mother, asking her when I would be four. I wanted more presents. This is something present in all children often considered greed. However, it is only greed if it is allowed to continue. Everybody is born selfish because everybody is born with a strong survival instinct, so they want what they want in order to survive. To a child however, everything is of critical importance. Most things are provided by the parents, but a child must learn the difference between luxury and necessity. This is a lesson I think I have learned quite well.
A necessity is a requirement to survival, food, drink, shelter, entertainment, education and so on. Greed for any of these is a good thing unless it becomes gluttonous. Often it is difficult to tell. Generally it is up to the parent to decide how much to allow the child and to teach it what is important in life.
Necessity’s make you live, luxuries make living good. Everybody has a weakness for luxuries, but too much subtracts from the necessities. It is another lesson well worth learning. Everybody has to have luxuries from time to time in order to make their life worthwhile, but too much so and it becomes very difficult to see life as it is meant to be. If you are spoilt then it takes much more to make your life worthwhile. I was told a story as a child about a girl who had everything. Then she decided she wanted a different mother because hers had a spot on her nose. She couldn’t have it so she killed herself. I don’t know if it’s true, but it is a story that taught me something. I intend to tell it to my daughter.
Passing on this knowledge to a child is a major thing in a person’s life. What knowledge they choose to pass on defines a child’s life. Eventually a child will know a lot, so that which you choose not to explain will often be eventually found out. A child should be curious, because knowledge makes a life. Without knowledge there is no direction.
I don’t know why this matters, but I am putting it here anyway as my current musings. Next time I shall tell you about my daughter. |
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| Life Loves |
[Sep. 21st, 2005|06:06 pm] |
| [ | feeling |
| | determined | ] |
| [ | listening to... |
| | Anthem - Deep Purple | ] |
I'm not sure what I should be putting for my first real entry. Should I go straight into my major problems or should I describe something I can finish within a single entry. Maybe the first description of an organised examination, I am unsure. Something has come to mind though.
My first girlfriend was sometime before school year four. She was a young blonde girl who's appearence I simply cannot remember. I hardly ever remember appearences. Leanne's older sister was a friend of my older sister, so that's how that happened. I remember her kitchen, trying to kiss her because my sister told me to. I don't remember why that relationship broke up, but I know neither of us were very happy with it after a while.
In year four I went out with Melanie, another blonde that my sister described as an "angel." I can remember being very proud to be going out with her, bragging in the lunchline particularly, only we never actually did anything. After a week her friend came up to me and said "Melanie says you're dumped." I said "okay," and got back into the cue for my class to go back into the school. It honestly didn't phase me. The problem with that relationship was that I didn't see any fun in being with a girl. I would have much rather spent time playing games with my friends. Thinking back, she probably found that quite insulting.
My first day in year seven I found out myself and Melanie were going to share a tutor group, but she had left before I noticed. I still believe I spent the entire first day sat next to her without even saying hi. No wonder she looked at me so strange. Pity.
My women troubles have not improved. I avoided women completely for a long time. I was too unpopular for the girl I liked in year eight. By the time that fact surfaced I was actually completely hated at that school. She didn't even consider the possibility. After moving I had a desperate crush in year eleven, but ruined it completely by letting somebody see me writing about her in my original journal. As usual, I was too much of a coward to do anything.
I changed during sixth form, but that is an entry for another time. I know where the cowardice comes from now, but that will also come later. The largest problem I have with women though is confusion. I personally believe I have been in love almost thirteen years now with the same girl. A girl I only remember dancing around a kitchen wearing a white dress. It is here that I believe I gained my fixation with women who wear the colour white. |
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| Introduction |
[Sep. 20th, 2005|10:35 pm] |
| [ | feeling |
| | hopeful | ] |
| [ | listening to... |
| | Deep Purple - Hush | ] |
Now, lately people are of the opinion that I am weird. I, of course, thoroughly support this notion and would like to see the world take a similar approach, which is why I am starting a new journal. The reason behind this is that, while walking to a party, I was told that somebody thought I was weird and was slightly scared of me because of the previous journal I wrote. If only more people were of this opinion.
Of course it is severely unlikely that I will give this journal out freely. I will be putting a lot of personal stuff here so I wouldn’t want it becoming common knowledge. I also do, but that’s deep down and I probably won’t mention that again. If I give you this address, consider yourself honoured, it means I trust you. A tedious trust once you have this information because it will be an easy trust to break. I advise against breaking for many reasons.
1. I will not like you anymore
2. I will have to change the address of this journal and not tell you, which is annoying.
3. I might still want to like you.
4. It’s just plain annoying.
At times I am likely to ramble and complain, don’t forgive me because I’m not doing anything wrong, it’s my life you’re reading nobody else’s, you have no right to be upset. At times this may become downright mortifying, but you can always just refuse to read it. It makes much more sense than most ideas. I am very opinionated, get used to it. I will explain my personal views on pretty much everything, sometimes with quotes and presented like an English essay. I will explain all of my weaknesses, often more than the few strengths I have and hopefully, after reading this, you will understand me better. If you never want to speak to me again, or simply would rather kill me than let me continue, I shall completely understand.
Obviously there are some people I do not want to read this journal. Likely they will be the people I talk about the most, don’t tell them. I’m lying, often I want these people to know what I think about them but I am a complete coward, especially when it comes to women. This is the source of many of my problems. You will probably find I have very low self-esteem and require teaching in said art if possible. As such, if I am talking about a certain person, who you will know by the frequency of my speeches dedicated to her, do not tell her, but also do.
There are a lot of people I do not want to allow access to the inner workings of my brain. So be smart and don’t give it to them. If you’re intelligent, you might guess who I want to read this, but it would be a calculated risk giving them the address. The risk is whether I wanted it or not. If it all turns out bad then I have nobody to blame but myself, I am a very honest man after all. I won’t be changing names to protect identities, I simply won’t be saying surnames. That way people can’t trace who I’m talking about anyway.
My college work will likely play a part here, but it will only be to illustrate myself or my opinions, or just generally to complain about. Don’t expect daily reports on my life, my life isn’t exciting in any way, shape or form. Perhaps you’ll get written to on the good days, the days worthy of mention. Or the bad days, the days when I am tempted to attack small gerbils with cattle prods. Days don’t often get that bad, but they do happen sometimes.
My life is not worth saving onto your computer, plus it changes gradually. Don’t waste time saving it or anything of the sort. You shouldn’t even waste RAM on it, but oh well. If I become too honest then close the window, sometimes the truth is too much to handle.
I have lied to many people in my life, and fully expect this to be the end of it. So I wish you luck in everything you do, truly. My heart goes out to those who try hard enough to succeed. That is the entire goal of my life, to try. I fully expect it to fail.
My life is a collection of masks. The most obvious, though people don’t notice, being my coat. If I am wearing my coat, it means I am not relaxed. I only choose to relax when I am coatless. Get rid of the coat and you breach my first barrier. Be warned, there are many more to break through, all of which I am sure I will explain in detail. You might not like what you find when all of the barriers are breached though. I fully expect the true me to be a quivering child hoping against hope that somebody out there wants in, likes it, or can even stand it. As I said, I have very low self-esteem. My confidence is the most obvious of my barriers, often mistaken for the arrogance that I display it as. I am sure most people know that I have no confidence whatsoever, even after a few drinks.
So, without further ado, I must finish this introduction and get into the main thing before I begin to examine my entire life in one giant essay. Good luck reading it as it develops. |
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vampirelazarus's journal